Along with Passive, Aggressive, and Passive-Aggressive, Assertiveness refers to a style of interpersonal communication. While the assertive style is usually the most appropriate way to express your opinions, needs, and wants, almost everyone uses all four styles from time to time. Most people also have a general tendency to use one more than the others. A brief overview of the four communication styles follows - which seems to describe you best at present?
1) Passive - The main goal of the passive style is to avoid conflict at all costs. It usually involves giving in to the (unreasonable) demands of others, not offering an opinion until others speak first, and rarely criticizing or giving negative feedback. Someone with a passive style may hold beliefs that others are more important and that he/she is unable to do things effectively. People with overly passive styles risk giving control of their lives to others.
2) Aggressive - The main goal of the aggressive style is have others submit - to win regardless of the costs to others. There is a desire to control the behaviours of others through intimidation. People with aggressive styles often see the requests or opinions of others as trivial, stupid, or pointless. Aggressive styles are usually ineffective for achieving long-term goals (as others will come to resent the unreasonable and non-compromising requests), and often result in interpersonal difficulties.
3) Passive-Aggressive - The main goal of the passive-aggressive style is to have your way or attack others without having to take responsibility for your behaviour. People with passive-aggressive styles fear the consequences of becoming angry to achieve goals, and therefore disguises anger so that they cannot be blamed for their actions. Others tend to see people with this style as irresponsible, disorganized, forgetful, or unreliable.
4) Assertive - Someone with an assertive style recognizes that you are in charge of your own behaviour and what you will or will not do. Importantly, this style also recognizes that others are in charge of their own actions and opinions, and does not try to take control from them. There is a tactful expression of one's thoughts and requests without the expectation that others will agree or comply. Someone with an assertive style carefully considers the requests of others and then decides whether or not to go along with them.
Advantages of an Assertive Style
Less conflict and anxiety in relationships
Reduces feelings of helplessness and depression
Increases self-confidence
Retains self-respect without disrespecting others
Makes it easier to relax around others
Allows for needs and wants to be expressed without fear or aggression
Encourages more honesty in interpersonal relationships
Therapy for Assertiveness
Therapy for becoming more assertive can include:
Determining which of the above four styles you currently rely on most often
Examining what may be gained (or lost) by adopting a more assertive style
Learning stress-reduction exercises to set the stage for a change in communication styles
Assessing the cognitive beliefs which are maintaining an aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive style
Challenging these beliefs and replacing them with more adaptive thoughts
Taking personal responsibility for the way you chose to interact with others
Practice role-playing
Learning more assertive nonverbal communication (movements, eye contact, body posture, etc.)
Learning to provide and accept constructive feedback
Creating a set of goals from a personal assertiveness hierarchy (i.e., with certain people or in certain scenarios) and working towards being assertive in increasingly challenging situations
If you or someone you know would like to receive help for dealing with assertiveness (and live in the Halifax area) please feel free to contact me to set up an initial consultation.
