Difficulties in interpersonal relationships may be one of the most common reasons for initiating contact with a psychologist. Therapy can be helpful if you are experiencing stress or conflict with your:
Spouse or partner Boyfriend / girlfriend Children Parents Friends Boss or management Employees Co-workers
Couples Therapy
If you are experiencing significant relationship difficulties or stressors with your spouse or partner, it may be most useful to seek therapy as a couple.
Every therapist will have their own approach in couples therapy. I have outlined my own guidelines below which may be helpful for making the most of your couples therapy sessions:
- Be as honest as you can in the therapy session. Yes, some topics will be difficult to discuss, but these are often the issues needing the most attention. If we (I include myself in this as well) avoid certain topics because they are uncomfortable, our sessions will definitely not be as productive as they could have been.
- Listen, listen, listen to your partner. Listen and try to understand why they are saying or feeling something. Even if you do not agree with their position, try to understand why they feel this way.
- If the session becomes too heated, if you feel too upset, too angry, etc., request a break. Breaks initiated by clients or the therapist are to be respected and honored by everyone. Knowing when to take a break is a sign of control, not weakness.
- Off-limits during therapy: Yelling, name calling, purposefully insulting words, and threats.
- As a general rule, only one person talks at a time. I know this may appear very basic, but it is important enough to put in writing here. It is difficult to listen and understand if you are talking at the same time as your partner. When your partner talks, your primary goal is to understand their position - not to think about your next point or how to "win" the argument.
- Let your guard down to the extent that you feel safe doing so. Is it easy to say that you feel confused, betrayed, ashamed, afraid, jealous, neglected, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, etc? Absolutely not. But, if you do it is very important that we have a chance to discuss it, truly understand your experience, and eventually ease some of these feelings.
- On occasion the focus will be on the here and now. That is, what you or your partner is experiencing (feeling, thinking, or believing) in the therapy hour. When the situation calls for it, this can often be more productive than discussing old fights, arguments, disagreements or problems.
- It is essential that both partners share the responsibility for improving the relationship. If your progress has stalled or has taken a step back, one partner may have to take the lead. If both partners have the attitude of "I'm not going to change until he/she does", it is easy to imagine what happens. Nothing. Every morning ask yourself, "What can I personally do to improve my marriage today?"
- Prepare for setbacks. While there should be a general trend toward increased marital satisfaction, the adage "Two steps forward, one step back" does occasionally apply. The patterns you have established in your marriage have likely existed for quite some time. While these may be negative patterns, at least they are familiar. When you and your partner start developing new patterns and ways of relating, expect this to feel unfamiliar and possibly uncomfortable. Try not to lose faith and revert back to patterns which although familiar, did not produce a healthy marriage.
- Take risks.
- Let your therapist know you have reservations about trying or saying something.
- Let your therapist know if something he said is not true of your experience.
- Know that couples therapy is a team effort. Use your therapist as a coach, a guide, etc., but understand that most of the work is done by you outside of the therapy hour (i.e., the rest of your life). Change must happen in the real world, not just in the therapy room.
- Ask your partner for help if you are struggling with putting new healthier habits into place.
- Understand that point of therapy is not to identify the "defective" partner and force him or her to make all of the changes. While therapy at times will focus on one partner or the other, the goal is to change the relationship system.
- The goal of marital therapy is not to assign blame or fault.
- Commit to assigned homework. Remind yourself that your relationship is one of the most important things to you in this world - make the most of your therapy experience by completing and practicing assignments during the week.
- Don't always focus on the negative. If something is going well, it is important to talk about it.
- Don't simply accept what your therapist says. Of course you should seriously consider his comments, but if something doesn't seem right, let him know. Discuss it. If you don't agree, say so.
If you or someone you know would like to receive help for dealing with relationship difficulties (and live in the Halifax area) please feel free to contact me to set up an initial consultation.
Difficulties in interpersonal relationships may be one of the most common reasons for initiating contact with a psychologist. Therapy can be helpful if you are experiencing stress or conflict with your: