Relationship Problems and Unhealthy or Abusive Relationships - Halifax Psychologist
Counselling for relationship problems
Are you in an unhealthy or abusive relationship? Help is available in Nova Scotia.
Almost everyone desires to be a loving relationship with someone they can share their life with. This is a very healthy and adaptive natural instinct. We are social beings who depend on each other for support and comfort…and we find meaning and purpose in the relationships we create with others.
However, finding the ”right” person and working to create a healthy, supportive, loving, and mutually respectful relationship is easier said than done. Unfortunately, relationship problems are common and too often people find themselves stuck in unhealthy relationships or even with abusive partners. In these situations, it is reasonable to question whether you want to stay with your partner, whether necessary changes can still be made, or if these relationship problems call for a breakup or divorce.
Almost everyone desires to be a loving relationship with someone they can share their life with. This is a very healthy and adaptive natural instinct. We are social beings who depend on each other for support and comfort…and we find meaning and purpose in the relationships we create with others.
However, finding the ”right” person and working to create a healthy, supportive, loving, and mutually respectful relationship is easier said than done. Unfortunately, relationship problems are common and too often people find themselves stuck in unhealthy relationships or even with abusive partners. In these situations, it is reasonable to question whether you want to stay with your partner, whether necessary changes can still be made, or if these relationship problems call for a breakup or divorce.
Am I in an unhealthy relationship / abusive relationship?
Of course, no person or relationship is perfect. However, at the very least there should be far more “ups” than “downs”, you should feel respected and loved by your partner, and you should be able to discuss disagreements without this inevitably turning into a fight.
What are some of the signs that you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship?
● You feel manipulated or controlled
You feel forced to do things you do not want to do, pressured to be sexually intimate, controlled by threats, or made to feel that your opinions
do not matter. Your partner may criticize your ideas, dismiss your feelings, and make you afraid of disagreeing with him or her. Your partner does not accept you for who you are, but rather, attempts to change you into who they believe you should be.
● Your partner is very jealous, aggressive, or angry
When you are with your partner, it often feels as though you need to watch what you say or do because of he / she easily becomes angry, aggressive, or very jealous. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of possessiveness and controlling behavior. Aggressive or violent behavior is not the only sign that you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, but it is often the most obvious sign that you need to leave the relationship.
● Your partner rarely takes responsibility for mistakes or acknowledges being wrong
Your partner seems to believe that he/she can do no wrong, that everything bad that happens is “someone else’s fault”, and may always see him or herself as an innocent victim while blaming others for personal problems. They have difficulty seeing how their own words and actions contribute to relationship problems and instead, blame you for any difficulties in the relationship.
● Your partner is physically, verbally, emotionally, or psychological abusive
Too often, people overlook verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse in relationships, but these forms of control can be just as damaging as
physical abuse – the main difference being that the scars caused by these forms of abuse are not visible. Remind yourself that you deserve to be in a relationship in which you are treated with kindness, care, love, trust, and respect. You cannot compromise on this. These qualities are not optional – they are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship.
● Your partner is selfish or dismissive of your views
Your partner focuses only on his / her wants and needs. Their primary concern is “how will this benefit me?” He or she must make all the decisions in the relationship and will dismiss or ignore your thoughts and feelings. If you often feel unimportant or minimized by your partner, this is a very good sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
● Your partner’s words and actions are not consistent
If your partner says “I love you”, “You mean everything to me”, “I would do anything for you”, but his or her actions are not consistent with
these words (verbal, physical, or emotional abuse, cheating, dishonesty, disrespect, etc.), consider this a very clear sign that there needs to be serious changes in your relationship.
● Your partner attempts to isolate you from friends and family
Related to the previous point of controlling behavior, a clear warning sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship is if your partner attempts to limit access to your friends, family, or other who are supportive of you (including groups you may be involved in, activities with others you enjoy, etc.). At the same time, he or she carefully watches everything you do and insists on being informed about almost all of your activities. This isolation is an attempt to limit your supportive resources, make you dependant on him or her, and prevent you from leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship…even when you know that this is something that you must do.
● There is a lack of honesty and trust
One of the sure signs of an unhealthy relationship is a lack of honesty and trust. Losing trust in someone may come from a major violation of
relationship expectations (such as cheating), but more often it comes from an accumulation of half-truths, lies of omission (withholding information causing the person to believe something that is not true), and excessive secretiveness. Honesty, openness, and trust are the foundations on which every other aspect of the relationship relies on. If there is a lack of honesty and trust the fundamental building blocks of a healthy relationship are missing.
If you have questions about your relationship (and live in the areas of Halifax, Bedford, or Dartmouth) please read more about therapy and counselling, my treatment approach, and feel free to contact me if you have any questions at all, or if you would like to set up an initial consultation.
What are some of the signs that you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship?
● You feel manipulated or controlled
You feel forced to do things you do not want to do, pressured to be sexually intimate, controlled by threats, or made to feel that your opinions
do not matter. Your partner may criticize your ideas, dismiss your feelings, and make you afraid of disagreeing with him or her. Your partner does not accept you for who you are, but rather, attempts to change you into who they believe you should be.
● Your partner is very jealous, aggressive, or angry
When you are with your partner, it often feels as though you need to watch what you say or do because of he / she easily becomes angry, aggressive, or very jealous. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of possessiveness and controlling behavior. Aggressive or violent behavior is not the only sign that you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, but it is often the most obvious sign that you need to leave the relationship.
● Your partner rarely takes responsibility for mistakes or acknowledges being wrong
Your partner seems to believe that he/she can do no wrong, that everything bad that happens is “someone else’s fault”, and may always see him or herself as an innocent victim while blaming others for personal problems. They have difficulty seeing how their own words and actions contribute to relationship problems and instead, blame you for any difficulties in the relationship.
● Your partner is physically, verbally, emotionally, or psychological abusive
Too often, people overlook verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse in relationships, but these forms of control can be just as damaging as
physical abuse – the main difference being that the scars caused by these forms of abuse are not visible. Remind yourself that you deserve to be in a relationship in which you are treated with kindness, care, love, trust, and respect. You cannot compromise on this. These qualities are not optional – they are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship.
● Your partner is selfish or dismissive of your views
Your partner focuses only on his / her wants and needs. Their primary concern is “how will this benefit me?” He or she must make all the decisions in the relationship and will dismiss or ignore your thoughts and feelings. If you often feel unimportant or minimized by your partner, this is a very good sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
● Your partner’s words and actions are not consistent
If your partner says “I love you”, “You mean everything to me”, “I would do anything for you”, but his or her actions are not consistent with
these words (verbal, physical, or emotional abuse, cheating, dishonesty, disrespect, etc.), consider this a very clear sign that there needs to be serious changes in your relationship.
● Your partner attempts to isolate you from friends and family
Related to the previous point of controlling behavior, a clear warning sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship is if your partner attempts to limit access to your friends, family, or other who are supportive of you (including groups you may be involved in, activities with others you enjoy, etc.). At the same time, he or she carefully watches everything you do and insists on being informed about almost all of your activities. This isolation is an attempt to limit your supportive resources, make you dependant on him or her, and prevent you from leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship…even when you know that this is something that you must do.
● There is a lack of honesty and trust
One of the sure signs of an unhealthy relationship is a lack of honesty and trust. Losing trust in someone may come from a major violation of
relationship expectations (such as cheating), but more often it comes from an accumulation of half-truths, lies of omission (withholding information causing the person to believe something that is not true), and excessive secretiveness. Honesty, openness, and trust are the foundations on which every other aspect of the relationship relies on. If there is a lack of honesty and trust the fundamental building blocks of a healthy relationship are missing.
If you have questions about your relationship (and live in the areas of Halifax, Bedford, or Dartmouth) please read more about therapy and counselling, my treatment approach, and feel free to contact me if you have any questions at all, or if you would like to set up an initial consultation.
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